What do I really want out of writing and selling erotic ebooks?
I told the other friendly indie authors over at darknest that really, I'd be happy if I could just go to the baker every now and again and buy a cake with the money I might make from this. This is a classic reaction pattern from me (And many others, I'm sure), because even though my writing has been complimented by pretty much everyone who has ever read it or roleplayed with me, I still don't really, firmly, 100% solidly believe that this could ever happen to me. That living off my written words could be something that would happen to me.
But we have to be honest with ourselves. So preciously few others are, in society. We're all a pack of liars, in fact, which I suppose is what has kept me doubting my own ability even though I frequently (Not a great trait, I admit) look down on others for their writing, whether it be style, spelling or grammar. I'm not natively English, either, which I know has affected my vocabulary. Where an American or English person might have 20 metaphors, synonyms, slang words or ways to describe something, I have 5.
So, I am confident, but not confident. I also know that for this to work, I have to make it work. There's no one and nothing there who will facilitate me or push me along. There are fellow kind and helpful writers, but at the end of the day, you are the one who has to write. Every day. And this is perhaps what scares me most. Failure. My failure. There will be no one to rest the guilt on but me. If I don't write, it's my fault. If I fail to write about something that people will buy and read, I am to blame.
Just looking at the original question has me ill-at-ease, afraid in some way, because I realize what I want. I want to make my living writing these stories. I don't just want to buy a little gateau to sob into every now and then. I want my quiet little house in the forest, paid for by the stories I have written. And it scares me that I am the only person who can make this happen.
Fear before the unknown is natural. Every journey begins with a step into the unknown. Everything that is worth something takes hard work. I've heard all of these variations of quotes, and many more, but none of that truly touches you the hour before the journey begins. It is mental, not emotional. The excitement, the nervous tingling, the hint of fear, those are all emotions, and taking the first few stumbling steps can calm those.